Killing Time

Tonight, I decided to listen to some of my favorite music. But, they are the songs I haven't listened to in a long time.

I put on some jazz, and for the first time in years, I feel right. I feel like my brain is finally working again. My memory has been going downhill for years, and all of the sudden, it's back. Well, I still can't remember much of the past week. I do remember things from years back though.

This is why music is so important to me. I do my best when I experience something. I remember details about the things I hear. I can't remember the things I saw. It explains why I can remember lyrics to an entire CD, but not something I read a few minutes ago.

Not only do I remember the lyrics, I also remember the places I've been while listening to particular songs. I know that I've written about this before, but something feels different. For example, I'm listening to "Gravity" by A Perfect Circle, and I remember that I bought that CD the day it came out. The following month, I came back home to Dallas for a friend's wedding. When I met up with my parents in Fort Worth, I put that CD on. When we arrived at the hotel where the wedding was being held, that song had just started.

I love being in the city, especially at night. Not too late. Maybe 11PM? It's late enough to where traffic isn't a problem, but there are still enough cars to not feel alone. That's why I want to live in downtown Austin. There are some apartments that are 2 blocks away from the better part of 6th street. It would be amazing. I mean, if I'm in a situation where I can afford that apartment, I would be too happy.

Still. I've now sent my resume out to 5 places. Waiting for a word.

Almost Anywhere

My brother asked me a very good question today. It all started with an ad I saw on TV. Something about digging a hole and getting an internet connection anywhere. This is AT&T's new card for laptops, which gives you an internet connection anywhere you get a phone signal. It's a nice thing, really.

The price for it was $49.99. I think that's just for the card. I'm currently an AT&T customer, so I'm sure it wouldn't be much to just switch to an unlimited data plan. But then I remembered that I don't pay the bill for my phone. My parents do. Still, I said that it would be too sweet if I had one of those cards and a great data plan.

My brother countered with, "Well, would you give up your phone for it?"

Without the slightest bit of hesitation, I said, "Yes."

At one point this year, I had over 10,000 rollover minutes. Every month, about 1,800 expire, but 1,900 are added. My average phone call lasts around 3 minutes. Only once a week does a phone call exceed 20 minutes. I am wasting my phone.

So, yea, if I could have an internet connection anywhere, I'd trade my phone in right away. Sure, I'd be glued to my laptop, and it would be unhealthy. But I'm much better at communicating this way. I always feel like I need a script when I call someone.

I've been studying and polishing my CSS skills. I hope to have a real nice layout for this blog by next month. Once that project is finished, I'm going to brush up on Javascript. That will a couple of more things to add to my resume. Once I feel comfortable with CSS and JS, I'm going to start developing applications for Adobe AIR. I've been playing around with the Aptana IDE, and the AIR plug-in.

Even with those, I'll still need to mess around with SQL. Every job I've seen requires knowledge of SQL and database theory. I don't know a thing about either.

Still, just sending out my resume to various places and waiting for a phone call or email. At this point, I'm limiting myself to Austin. I'm going to expand that area very soon.

Revising the List

Back in May, I listed my Top 10 Women.

1. Shannon Elizabeth.
2. Lacey Chabert.
3. Rachel Specter.
4. Amanda Bynes (Placeholder for Hayden Panettiere.)
5. Katherine Heigl.
6. Natalie Portman.
7. Elisha Cuthbert.
8. Eliza Dushku.
9. Jennifer Love-Hewitt.
10. Rachel McAdams.

After a few months, I think I need to make some changes. However, this time I won't leave a woman off the list just because she's married.

1. Lacey Chabert
2. Rachel Specter
3. Shannon Elizabeth
4. Jessica Biel
5. Layla Kayleigh
6. Stacy Keibler
7. Kate Beckinsale
8. Natalie Portman
9. Penelope Cruz
10. Scarlett Johansson

And it took me a while to think of 10. Shannon Elizabeth dropped down 2 spots, but it didn't have anything to do with her. I just decided that Lacey and Rachel belong higher. Layla Kayleigh does the news part of Attack of the Show. And Stacy Keibler is from Dancing with the Stars. I'm all about legs, and she has the best.

But now it's past 6AM, again, and I need sleep.

Again And Again

When I'm awake until the wee hours of the morning, I usually have the TV on in the background. I may put it on mute if there's music I want to listen to. But one of the perks is the Spanish station, Univision.

First of all, any spanish-speaking show has incredibly weird humor. It's even better if you're not trying to translate everything in your head. You get crazed expressions, weird animals, and anything else that doesn't make sense. In between those shows are commercials for telenovelas. There's always a mystery, and everyone looks at each other like it's the end of the world. Very bad over-acting. Then there are the shows in between. I kid you not, in one preview, a woman wants some guy, so he blindfolds her in her bedroom. He grabs his clothes, opens the door, and lets his friend in while sneaking out.

Second, all shows on Univision have at least one hot chic. It must be mandatory, because even the news has a hot anchor, or weatherwoman. In fact, if a show is missing their usual hot host, they will bring in random girls in bikinis to sit in the background. Absolutely amazing.

If there's nothing good on the spanish stations, I just channel-surf for a bit. I've noticed a few other things...

1. Fergie can't sing. And she has sausage fingers.
2. At least 3 different channels advertise Girls Gone Wild after 3AM.
3. All of the local channels with "original programming" suck.
4. You don't need money to learn about Tae-bo, Yoga, Pilates, etc.
5. Cats hate the Ionic Breeze.
6. There are 100s of ways to earn money from home.

I also use this time to think. There's always something on my mind. It could be a person, tomorrow, or anything I saw recently. I'm facing a decision on who to keep, and I'm trying to keep things peaceful.

I'm looking around on Facebook, and I'm trying to find songs to dedicate to people. Of course, not doing this for dudes. But then I realized something else. Most of the chics I've added on Facebook are either currently not single, or I don't talk to them anymore. Maybe both.

But, it's past 6AM, and I should force some sleep.

Up Again

Just another sleepless night. Nothing different, most everything is the same.

I figure I'll pass out soon though. I'm tired, but I don't want to go to sleep. Sounds a bit like my 3-year old nephew. He never wants to go to bed. No matter what rewards you promise him, it isn't enough.

But I'm nearly 20 years older than him. In fact, it really freaks me out that I'll be 23 in less than a month. I had plans laid out for myself, and I'm not reaching my milestones. At the same time, I think that my long-term goals have changed. The things I like to do have changed. There are many different routes I can take, and I trust my decision-making ability.

I would say that if you've hung out with me, you know that I make the right decision 99% of the time. And it's not always the obvious. The very rare times that I make a bad decision are usually the result of a lack of sleep, medication side effects, or just plain absent confusion.

However, I think that if you've ever communicated with me, whether face-to-face or not, you know that I do the right thing. So far, I can only think of one thing that I regret, and even that isn't 100%. I still would have done the same thing, only different. I would change some slight details. So, it isn't that big of a deal. Some people gather regret like its stock is going to shoot straight up.

Currently, I am faced with making another decision. Well, a few, but I'm thinking extremely short-term right now. If I had to assess the risk-reward ratio, I would say it's a low-risk, low-reward kind of thing. I like to gamble, so it's not much of a choice.

And I choose to sleep on it. Just for tonight.

Not A Bad Song

"You know why
They called and just let it ring
No reply
The door is open I swear
Ain't no use in picking up
You know why

[chorus:]
It's all my head I know
So they tell me so
Until my head explodes
Into my head it goes

Tastes so good
Oh, but I knew it would
Tastes so good
Burn like a match house
Medicate just to make you soft
Love is blind

Catch and release me
What the hell were they thinking of
You know why

[repeat chorus]"

- I Think I Lost My Headache by Queens of the Stone Age

You're my headache.

Typical Night

5:10 AM. Start.

Ok, it doesn't start at 5:10AM. It's much closer to 1:30AM now. [adult swim] repeats everything it aired from 10PM on. Futurama first, Family Guy second. After that, I really don't care. (Although I'm getting into Bleach right now. It's alright.)

So, after watch the same show twice in one night, the clock says 2:30AM. I laid on my bed for a few minutes and covered my eyes. I felt tired, but then I didn't. I sat back up, and started going through my usual bookmarks. MySpace, Facebook, Netvibes, Pownce, Digg, and then I just start going through Wiki. I'll start with today's date, find an event or significant birth, and then click link after link.

This might get me to 4AM. But it's just a possibility. At this time, all of the good channels air infomercials. So, I go back to my bookmarks. Maybe I'll leave out Wiki this time though.

I go through those boring social sites again, and I've probably killed 30 more minutes. If I'm lucky. It's 4:30AM. The idea of going to bed starts to cross my mind. I brush my teeth and change into some shorts.

I start to look at my blogs, and figure out where my next step is. As an example, I thought about posting a long essay on why I'm fascinated with rap songs about violence. Rappers go on about putting people in graves, capping fellow rappers, and wanting to fight. How can this possibly be good for that "culture?" And during this show, which airs on a public broadcast channel, the hosts are smoking things other than cigarettes, making gang signs at the camera, and speaking with the grammar of a 2-year old. Oh, and there's a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. on a wall behind them. It's the foundation of a generation of hypocrites.

Then I thought about posting about a story I found on ABCNews.com. Apparently, two teenagers were arrested for patting girls on the butt during school. The boys mentioned that it had become the secret hand shake, and one of the "victims" confirmed it.

Teenagers are overfilled with hormones. They are going to do things that are very inappropriate. It is nothing new. Yes, these boys were doing something inappropriate. But they should not have been handcuffed and detained in a juvenile jail. A brief trip to the principal's office should have been more than enough. When I was in 6th grade, I remember two girls standing behind me in line and grabbing my ass. Not patting, but grabbing. You know what I did? Nothing. Didn't bother me.

Some parents shelter their kids, and this can be a very dangerous thing. I'm not saying that we should all run around patting asses. But the kid who never hears a bad word, doesn't date until he or she is 18, and is never in a confrontation is going to be extremely shocked once they are free.

I remember hearing bad words since I was 3. I was "fooling around" with girls before I got into middle school. In 4th grade, if a kid yelled at me, I intimidated him by not backing down. Even with all this, I'm not a bad person. I'm college educated, with no criminal record, and no drug addictions. I hold the door open for women and the elderly. I give everyone a chance, and almost everyone a second chance.

And now, it's 6AM. My eyes aren't tired. But if I don't go to sleep soon, I'm going to make it worse. Tomorrow, I may not fall asleep until 7AM. The day after, 8AM. And that is the only reason I'm forcing myself to lay down.

Something New

I just posted a MySpace bulletin about this, but I'm really starting to get bored with MySpace (and Facebook.) Actually, I've been bored with it for a few months now.

Either way, just mentioning that I have a few invites for Pownce.

File sharing, messaging, and a few other things. Totally free, and the downloadable software is optional. There aren't very many people on it, since it's invite-only. That means you don't get friend requests from hookers and such.

The first people to request an invite get one.

What to do?

It has been a long, long time since I have picked up a bible. So, I don't remember much of what's written.

If I remember correctly, gambling is condemned by the Bible. I could be slightly wrong, or totally wrong about this.

So, if a devout Christian wins the World Series of Poker Main Event, isn't it ironic?

Is it even worse that I'm praying he loses?

Just Typin'

These past few weeks in Dallas were fun.

But, they were also my last. If I go back, it will be for a day, or maybe a weekend. But other than that, it's done.

I still have a few connections to Dallas. There are a few people that live there, and these are people I'd visit with. But I'm talking about only a few people. Maybe a handful. Umm...how about 4? Possibly 3?

I mention this because I changed my phone number. I do not 'represent' the '214' anymore. And this is the first of many steps in determining where I live for the long-term. I'm fine with Austin. I could live here for quite a while. I'm starting to appreciate some of its better qualities.

I got back in time to play in the poker tournament. Didn't do so well. 4th out of 14. I played fairly well for the first 2 hours. But I ran into the one type of player that can screw over the best of professionals - the amateur. The person that calls any raise, just so they can see one more card. They want to play every hand, no matter what cards they have. I hate it. It's the first time I've left a competition with an empty feeling. Coming into it, I really wanted to play my best, win, and say to myself, "OK. Now I'm ready." I don't think I'm ready yet. If I go, there are going to be amateurs there. If I can't beat them, then what's the point? I just have to get better.

Either way, the night was still fun. The chic that hosts all of the poker nights is transferring. So, this past night was spent with drinks, stories, and what-not. Honestly, I only knew these people through these poker tournaments. However, I actually felt like they were real friends. They were very open with me, and everything just went smooth. It's because of this that I stayed even after I was eliminated. Besides, I always help out with the cleaning afterwards.

So after everything was locked up, we all stood around outside. Our hostess had some parting words, and things were kinda emotional for her. She gave peoples hugs and what-not. It was a bit awkward for me, because she really let loose on my shoulder. At the same time, I felt like I was doing what I'm best at. I provide comfort, no matter who. I'm always another person's shoulder.

They decided to go to a bar down the street. I really didn't want to go. I don't drink, and I don't like loud places. Besides, I didn't have my phone or anything. So I went home.

When I got home, everyone was already asleep. It was still before midnight. I don't sleep until 4 or 5AM. So, I changed clothes, grabbed my phone, and went to the bar.

I'm not very social. I get nervous very easily. And I tend to just sit in the background. So, this was a good step towards getting out, lookin' around, and feeling comfortable in new environments.

It was a small bar with a stage for karoake and stuff that I wouldn't do. Well, I would play pool, but I'm not that good. I saw the group right away. We sat around, talked a bit, and people danced. After an hour, it was time for peoples to leave, so I left as well.

Still felt empty though.

Poker Stats

Better.

Hopefully it's all done. Seems like a bad reaction to some medicine I've been taking for migraines. There's other reasons, but I'll leave that unwritten. Of course, now I have a migraine. And it's not one of those "oh, my head hurts" kind of migraines. For me, it always involves sensitivity to light, sound, and a bit of nausea.

Either way, I just wanted to put down some stats from my recent poker session.

112 hands played.
37% won.
87% of showdowns won.

67% of flops seens.
52% are wins when I see the flop.

I did 2 sit-ins, which involve 10 people. I finished 2nd on the first table, and then 1st on the second table. Both times, it came down to me and the same player. It was a very friendly heads-up, mostly because we played the same way. I don't bluff very often, and I slow-play almost any hand I get. I raise pre-flop when I have a great hand, and I bet mostly on the river. I check-raise most of the time. And if we're going to show hands, I have you beat. Well, at least 87% of the time.

Real Sick

Here's a list of what I ate today:

1 Roll of Ritz Crackers.

And that's it. Something really wiped me out today. Low body temperatures followed by sweats and shakes. Toss in some dry heaving and the inability to do simple tasks. This stuck with me from the time I woke up to around 9PM. I didn't eat a single thing until 7PM or so. All I drank was water and Powerade Option.

It looks like the 22nd of this month is moving day. Well, that's when the moving process is finalized. We plan on loading the moving truck during that weekend and going to Austin as soon as it's all done. I should be back in time for my apartment complex's poker tournament. I'm going to take this one very seriously and fine-tune my game. I tend to be a little bit too friendly, and that leads to bad calls and bad bluffs.

It could be so much worse.

"Make something, make someone
Beg on a knee, baby baby please
Pout your bottom lip
While cracking the whip
You know what we want,
It's candy to cum to"

Queens of the Stone Age - Sick, Sick, Sick

Return of the Lyrics

Thinking can be very unhealthy.

I'm glad that my parents are moving out of here soon. Everytime I'm here, things from the past start to haunt me. Things, and people. Whenever I leave the house, I always double-check how I look. If I run into anyone, I don't want to be wearing one of my old shirts, and unshaved. It's not the best look for me. At the same time, I don't want to run into anyone. The idea of running into an ex...well, I don't even want to think about it.

I don't talk to anyone here. None of the exes, I mean. (I'm sure I've typed that before on here.) However, I do keep up with the "local news." 2 of them are married now. 1 of them has a kid. That really freaks me out. I still think of myself as being young. To think that other people my age are doing this really weirds me out.

It also weirds me out because I could have been stuck in that position. If I had let myself be sucked into the way of life around here, there is a strong chance that I would have been married by now. This small, podunk town has a way of connecting two people and forcing them to believe that most of the world doesn't exist. You only get so many chances to leave and make something of yourself.

Of the people I knew from when I lived here, most of them still live here. Sure, they have jobs, but they don't have a real career. They hang out with the same people. They go to the same places. Nothing has really changed about them.

It reinforces my choice to get out of here. I don't want to run with the same crowd. I want something new as often as possible. I get bored easily with routine events, common places, and even people. It's like a person who does something dangerous just for the adrenaline rush. After a while, it doesn't give you the same rush. So you find a taller cliff, a faster river, or a better airplane.

That's not really a good trait to have, is it? Always looking for the next thing. Never happy with what's in front of you.

Oh well.

"Don't you want to go into the hollow?
I won't go it alone.
Aren't you gonna follow?"

Queens of the Stone Age - Into The Hollow

Cycle Out

Sometimes, I forget the important things.

Everything I do is part of a cycle. And I just realized that my current mood means I have come around full-circle. I'm right back where I started. The mystery is in figuring out just how long it has been.

I'm bored and frustrated. I'm stressed out. I can't do anything about it right now. Well, I can change the boredom issue. That's about the only thing I can change. My frustration stems from not being about to really start my life. There are still some steps I have to take. For instance, I need to find a job. And that's where my stress comes from. I'm trying to plan out the next 5 years, but I can't do it because I don't have enough information. I can't plan even 1 year ahead because I have no clue about the next month.

So, there's just a couple of things I can focus on to distract me. Right now, I'm helping my parents with their move to Austin. The living room is already full of boxes. And there's still plenty left to pack. However, my mom frustrates me with her sentimentality. I want to throw away 80% of the things I pick up, and she wants to keep 80% of everything. I believe that if it can be replaced, it can be throw away. The less junk we pack, the less work we do.

I picked out my next project. I've always wanted to write a book. Well, I don't think I can work with all of my blog posts, even if they date back to August of 2003. Much of what I wrote were just repeated ramblings. So I've decided to create characters, situations, and such. I've planned out all of the necessary details, and a basic structure of the story. I know who is going where, and where point A, point B, and point C are. I just have to work on my vocabulary and relating it to today's average person. (My sister encouraged me to write a book. Among my brother, her, and myself, she's the smartest and most realistic. So, if she gives advice, it's best to listen.)

I guess that's why I feel the same as 5 years ago. At that time, I was packing my stuff and preparing for college. My parents were sentimental in keeping all of my stuff that I didn't want anymore. I was bored for most of the summer. I didn't really hang out much with my friends.

But when I compare 2002 - 2007 to 1997 - 2002, well, it's really no comparison. People always say that high school sucks, it was full of awkwardness, and everything was a popularity contest. But it's so much easier to fit in when you see the same people 5 times a week. People make an effort to at least say something to the kid sitting in the corner. If you don't offend anybody, you get a good reputation. If you are nice to the right person, people like you. I didn't feel awkward. I wasn't the most popular, but I'd say a majority of the students knew who I was.

In college, I wasn't even friends with my first roommate. And all of the friends I eventually made were because I saw them more than 4 times a week. It might have been because the class met that many times, or it was through a large group project. But, for each of my "MWF" classes, no one came up to me. But that's the price to pay when you choose a public school like UT-Austin. This really is the generation of the self-centered and egotistical. If you don't have a RAZR, or a video iPod, no one is coming up to you. (I will never get a Motorola RAZR. They are everywhere. I'm not saying that all people who have one just want to be "in." I'm just saying that I don't want to be like everyone else. I do have an iPod though.)

But, here's hoping that the next 5 years are better.

Decisions, Decisions...

I still get that one feeling.

I like to keep my options open because I never know when some celebrity is going to realize, "Hey, this FBombAndy guy is amazing. I've got to get with him." And in the meantime, I like to keep a list prepared for which famous women I want the most.

I was watching the National Heads-Up Poker Championship on one of those HD channels. It was the semifinals, and some chic was taking on Paul Wasicka. I just saw the last name 'Elizabeth.' I couldn't figure it out, so I just kept watching. Right before the commercial, they called her 'Shannon.'

Yes, that Shannon Elizabeth.

I went to Wikipedia just to double-check.

I think she's at the top of my list. She's a bit older than me, but I don't care. Age isn't that important to me. (OK, Jennifer Tilly, another poker pro, is 48. That is just a bit too old for me. She still looks good and all, but that's old enough to be one of my parents. Not cool.) Shannon Elizabeth is 33, and from Texas. That's my 'in' right there. And 33 isn't too bad. It's just 10 years. (Closer to 11.)

Next on the list would be Hayden Panettiere, but she's not 18 yet. She's off-limits.

I was flipping through the HBOs this afternoon, and I saw Amanda Bynes. She's cute enough. I guess she can fill that spot for right now.

I don't have a No. 3 right now. If Kate Beckinsale weren't married, she'd be here.

OK, I'll go with Rachel Specter from those RGX Bodyspray commercials. Absolutely hot. Don't know if she counts as a celebrity yet.

Maybe I should have people text message their vote in. Or call a special number. Then I can tally up the count and present the results tomorrow night at 8PM Central Time. (I really don't watch the show. Generic people should not be allowed to vote for generic music.)

Katherine Heigl. (I don't like Grey's Anatomy. I like The Ringer.) Jennifer Love-Hewitt. Eliza Dushku. Elisha Cuthbert. Lacey Chabert. Natalie Portman.

OK, I made up my mind.

Shannon Elizabeth.
Lacey Chabert.
Rachel Specter.
Amanda Bynes (Placeholder for Hayden Panettiere.)
Katherine Heigl.
Natalie Portman.
Elisha Cuthbert.
Eliza Dushku.
Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

I need a 10th.

Rachel McAdams.

The Next Day

It's just a tough thing to handle.

This weekend had its ups and downs. The days that were planned out and supposed to be full of fun turned out to be rather boring. The days that had no plans became the most fun.

My sister came in on Wednesday afternoon. I went with her to help find the hotel she was staying at. The managers mentioned that they would have free chicken in a few minutes, so we stuck around for that. Turned out to be Chick-fil-a. Real good stuff. My parents came in later that night.

My sister took me to Target on Thursday to help me find some stuff. One of the things she told me about was Tylenol's new sleep aid. My graduation ceremony on Saturday was at 8AM, and I usually don't fall asleep until 4AM. If I don't get enough sleep, my stomach feels like it's on fire for the day. Pat was at the apartment when we got back, and we tried to figure out what to eat. I already forgot what it was. Might have been Sonic.

I hung out with my sister again on Friday. We had plenty of catching up to do, and it had been 5 years since I last saw her. Erik came by and delivered some unfortunate news. That's not really material for here though. Well, we tried to figure out the best way to prepare for Saturday morning, and we decided that I should get my graduation clothes together and I should sleep over at Erik's since he lives 2 miles away from the Frank Erwin center. Might be less than 2 miles. I tried out the sleeping aid pills, and they somewhat worked. I felt tired, and I slept well. Woke up at 6AM without a problem.

The ceremony was alright. I knew 3 other people there, and we were all worried about having to go to the bathroom during a speech. We spent 50 minutes standing around before lining up and getting out there. Someone came by our section and asked, "Who wants to be first?" I quickly raised my hand, and I was the first to represent the CS grads. I was hoping that right after saying my name, I could just keep walking out of the building. Nope. Doors were locked.

There was one nice thing about sitting in the second row and walking early. I got to see every chic with a nice view. They were covered in gown, but there was enough leg to determine whether or not they had a nice body. That passed about 25 minutes. The speakers really sucked, so that was the highlight.

After all the names and what-not, we walked out. Met up with the family and quickly hurried back to the apartment. I really didn't want to linger around outside.

We all went back to the media room at my apartment. Projector, tables, nice chairs, and a small kitchen. After eating and watching a movie, my aunts and cousins left to walk around downtown. My sister and bro-in-law went also. That left my parents, my bro, sis-in-law, Pat, and Erik. We played some Guitar Hero, and then some Texas Hold 'Em. (I won, of course.) Time came to clean up, and we took care of everything to leave.

Went to Japon with my sis, bro-in-law, and Erik. It's a nice sushi place. Had some talks about recent events in the family. Just some casual conversation.

Most everyone left on Sunday. The only ones that stayed were Pat and my sister. We still had plenty of fun, and I got to try out a new recipe. Sunday night was quiet, but still kind of fun.

Pat left Monday afternoon. I went shopping with my sister after he left. She really wanted to get my some curtains because my window sucks. It's always 10 degrees warmer in my room. Always. We came back and ordered some food. Then we all sat down to watch the season finale of Heroes. After that, my sister had to go back to the hotel to get sleep. Her flight was early in the morning, and she was going to go straight from the hotel. We said our byes, and all that was left was my bro and the kids. (My sis-in-law had to work that night.)

When the kids went to bed, and my bro called it a night, it really hit me. I had been surrounded by people all weekend long, and had spent plenty of time with my sister. But I was now alone in my room and everything was quiet. It was the first time in a really long time that I felt alone. It was midnight, and nothing was happening. Everyone was gone. (But I really missed my sister. We are too much alike. We see the same things, and we thinks nearly the same. It was nice to have someone to talk to like that again.)

Still, I know my parents will be moving here soon. My dad starts working here at the end of the month, and all that's left is to get rid of stuff at my old house. Everything might be finished by the end of June. After that, I think I'm going to take that vacation.

Sweet

The Super Bowl in 2011 will be in Dallas!

I'm listening to 1310AM The Ticket based in the DFW area, and they just caught wind that it will be officially announced in minutes.

This will all take place in Jerry Jones' new $1 billion stadium.

Roger Goodell is at the podium.

Sorting It Out

Just another reason why I'm different.

I'm counting down the days to the graduation ceremony. But I don't get happier with each day passing. I just want to get it over with. Seems a bit contradictory, I know.

I'm ready to be out of there. I want out. But I don't want to go through the formalities. I just want to wake up next Saturday with nothing on my schedule. I don't want to walk anywhere, and I don't want to wake up early. It's one day, but it's one day where the spotlight is on me.

Well, maybe not the entire day. It might just be the first few hours of that day. With family in town, everyone should focus on the kids after long enough. After two hours of ceremony, the plan is to head to the apartment's media room and celebrate. There's some really nice AV equipment in there. You know, a projector, surround sound, and the like. We'll watch a movie, listen to some music, etc. After an hour or two, the family will focus on each other. So I'll be able to sneak away and go sleep.

My parents have been bugging me about what I'm going to do. They're moving down here to Austin so they can be closer to the grandchildren. My dad will work and my mom will be the full-time babysitter. My sis-in-law will keep her job, and my bro might go back to grad school.

The older I get, the less attached I become. The past 5 years away from home have been filled with many revelations about myself. I can go days without speaking to anyone, and I'm overwhelmed when there are too many people, or too much sound. I'm destined for a quiet life where I do exactly what I want and nothing else.

The plan is still to stick out the current lease on the apartment, use that time to gain financial stability, and then find a nice place to live. It might be here in Austin. It could be in Dallas. It could be somewhere out of state.

It's a bit depressing to know that there is a strong possibility that I only have one year left in Austin where I am close to my immediate family. But I also understand that I'm not that 5-year old kid on his first day of school. I'm not that 13-year old kid who is about to start high school.

I looked up to my bro when I was younger. He has always been near. I played French Horn, just like him. I was the drum major my senior year, just like him. But I'm becoming more like my sister. More mature than her age, and distant. I barely have any memories of her. But before I started school, everyone said that we were alike. When I turned 8, she lived 200 miles away. She got married when I was 10. She moved thousands of miles away when I was 12. Since then, I've seen her 5, maybe 6 times, in 10 years.

I think my parents know it too. My dad asked me months ago if I was going to leave, just like my sister did. My mom seems hesitant to ask about what my plans are. And every time they hug me, it feels like they don't want to let go, because I might disappear.

All I can think is, "Wait. I can stay in Austin. I don't have to leave."

But I also think that it's impossible for me to be great if I stay. I don't think I'll accomplish anything if I always have that safety net. Even if I get my own place on the other side of town, nothing good can come out of it. If I go out with them every time, I'll never have independence. If I never go out with them, they will make me feel guilty by saying that I've abandoned them. If I visit once a week, they will expect more, simply because I won't be that far away.

It's not even happening, but it already frustrates me. It wears me out.

Who's That Girl?

Just so everyone knows, I will not be talking about sports any time soon.

It's Sunday, so we did the usual thing. Certain peoples always come over when it's "buffet day" at DoubleDave's. Starts at 5pm, and we just have to be the first ones there, even though everyone here knows I like my dinner at dinner time. 5pm is too early for dinner. If you like to go to bed at 8pm, that's fine. But I don't live in a nursing home. I don't go to bed before the good shows start.

Either way, I went with them because I had not eaten all day long. (I woke up at 2pm today. I made up for the lack of sleep on Friday night. So this buffet was my breakfast.) I had my variety of pizza, and we all just sat around.

There's this new girl that works there now. She came in with the second shift. I've seen her before and all, but sometimes she wears a cap and I can't get a good look at her. From what I can tell, she's cute. Very energetic, in a playful way. You know, playing air guitar to the song playing and hopping up and down.

Back to the point. My bro mentioned, "Hey, why don't you get with that girl?" I just kind of nodded my head and mumbled. That was my poker face.

I think I am going to get that girl's number. Cute, playful, an inch or two shorter than me. I'm good with that. (I don't mean to sound overconfident or anything. I know what I bring to the table. I'll be a college grad soon, with a degree in a highly-demanded field, and I'm all about self-sacrifice.)

(But don't ask me about looks. I'm very self-conscious about my appearance. Now, that doesn't mean that I think I'm hideous. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm comfortable saying I'm between a 7 and an 8. I could be wrong, as I've been told that I'm attractive. Ok, let's move on...)

The main obstacle right now, in my opinion, is the fact that I'm going to have a van-load of family down here in Austin. It's graduation time, and aunts and cousins are on the way in less than 2 weeks. I do not (do not) want to have a woman when they get here. When people ask me, "So, who's the lucky woman?" I can truthfully tell them to mind their own.

Ah, but once they are all gone, I'm free to do whatever I want. One girl, three girls, it's all up to me. So mark it down on your calendar. May 21st seems like a good day to change 'teh' MySpace's "relationship status."

Sleep On Through

For the past week or so, I haven't been able to stay asleep. I usually wake up at 3AM or so. But there's never a reason why. The only noise in my room is the sound of my desktop running and iTunes. My playlist for sleeping only has music that is relaxing and calm.

You know how if you hear something around you while you're asleep, you can hear it in your dreams? Well, last night I woke up because I heard the smoke alarm. I practically sat up in bed and figured out what I need to do if the hallway is on fire. But 1 second later, and I realize that the smoke alarm is not going off. I must have dreamt that sound.

So then I try to remember my dream and figure out all of the details. I was in a large auditorium and there was a professor lecturing. Fire alarms at UT sound completely different than smoke alarms. Even so, everything was fine and there was no emergency in my dream. I wasn't even paying attention to the professor. I remember walking out of the room and wandering the hallways. Saw a couple of my friends and what-not. It was just a normal dream.

Oh well. I'm sure whatever it is will go away soon. I'm not stressed out, and I'm not anxious. I feel very relaxed. It must be something deep and hidden.