Restless Nights

Today sucked kind of bad.

Didn't get much sleep last night, so my stomach was on fire this morning. I have no idea how I made it to campus, nor do I remember. I dressed up just a lil' bit, but I don't know if it was worth it. It was friggin' hot outside, and our group didn't rank in the top 4 of the class. So now we might get split up for the 2nd phase, and I have enough trouble meeting people as it is.

Afterwards I went home. I checked my email and such, then promptly passed out on my bed for 2 hours. Woke up, changed, and caught a bus going to campus. I know, I could have stayed on campus which would have saved myself from 2 bus trips. I don't care. A nap in my bed is worth it.

My CS 341 test totally sucked. I knew about half of it, and I'm hoping that's more than everyone else knew. I can't be sure though, because there are some really big nerds in there. You know, the type that actually study. I did put in some cramming last night, but my mind was overflowing.

I haven't slept well over the past few nights because I end up thinking about everything. It gets real bad, to the point where there are 4 or 5 general subjects in my head, and it feels like 20 people are talking all at once. I might think about an assignment for one of my classes, something I saw on campus, something that I realized on the bus, and finally what I'm going to do tomorrow.

As I walked out of the testing room, a thought crossed my mind. If you look up the word "underachiever" in the dictionary, I'm almost 100% certain that there will be a picture of me next to it. I don't know if it's a lack of motivation, inspiration, or a combination of the two.

3 years ago, I would have used my future high school reunion as motivation to do my best. But the closer it gets, the more I think I won't even go. In fact, there's little to no chance of me going.

2 years ago, I would have thought about my extended family and how it would impress them. Although, it could have been more about myself being the black sheep. Would be nice to do something great. But now I couldn't care less about what they think of me.

Last year, I would have thought about a friend I wanted attention from. At the time, I thought that if I had something stable in my life, I would be able to focus and set my priorities straight. But that wasn't the solution.

Today, I have no motivation. I wake up, go to class, do what I need to, and leave. I don't put in any extra work. In fact, I'm all about the bare minimum. But that will only get you so far.

See, that's what bothers me. I know what my problem is. I know what I need to do. But I can't force myself to do it. Which I guess is the second half of the ongoing cycle between motivation and success. I don't consider myself successful, so I have no motivation, which means I'll never succeed.

It could be deeper. I set ridiculously high standards for myself. My idea of success on an exam is reading each question, writing each answer, turning it in within 30 minutes, and walking out knowing I aced it. Yet, all of my classes have curves and what not. They are there for a reason. No one aces the test, except maybe 1 or 2 people out of 50.

And once again, my night is going to be wrecked by this.