Slowly

I've been too neglectful.

Things have been rather hectic. I'm trying to get everything together for my big move. I've already picked out the apartment, signed a lease agreement, and packed my stuff. I move in on the 1st, which is less than a week away. The electricity should be turned on that day, and so should all of the other utilities. But, there's some things I need to decide on.

Work is work. I'm comfortable, and it's getting easy. Usually, I'm the middle-relief guy. (I really hate baseball, but that's the only way I can describe it.) However, they're fine with me being the closer as well. (Stupid baseball.) Basically, I punch in sometime in the afternoon, tell whomever opened to take their lunch, and take care of anything that's going on. It's always a 7-hour shift. Well, until next week. Then I'll be getting a more stable 8-hour shift.

I can't believe this is all I have to show for the past two hours.

I really am out of it.

(I'll give you a call Wednesday, man. Sorry I missed it earlier today.)

Decisions again...

About a month ago, I left our [electronics] department to work with the [computer technicians.] Things have been going well. Not great, but definitely not bad. I'm picking things up fairly quick, and I feel comfortable.

I found out yesterday that my old supervisor is transferring to another store. That means that his position is available. One person asked if I was going to apply. Another person from that department said I should apply. These are comments from my peers, and it shows that I've proven myself.

But I don't know. It'd be nice just to apply. I just feel like it would be awkward since I would be watching over people I was on the same level with. I don't mean that I'm better. Just that they would have to take orders from me on occasion, and that wasn't the case about a month ago.

If the pay is tons better, why not? That's why I say, 'I dunno.' If a manager asks me about it, I'd be more comfortable. Otherwise, I'll just sit back and be happy.

I really am happy right now. I just feel like a little bonus in my pocket would be nice too.

With What?

Nothing going on my life. If you asked me about my day, I'd just say, "meh." It would be the lamest answer, ever.

Yet, my best friend, and my dad, are going through extremely rough times. Love, and death. Physical and emotional pain. In the most basic and general sense, loss.

If there's anything I fear, it's loss. Trust me, there are other fears that concern me, but loss might be number one. Whether it's losing a loved one, or just losing a game of poker, it hurts. When I get into something, or someone, I tend to put everything I have into it. If it's there, I immerse myself fully and expect nothing but the positive. I feel it, and I know it.

So when that 0.1% catches me off guard, it hurts. Even the best don't recover instantly.

But there's a reason I generally finish in the top 10% of any poker tournament. There's a reason why I feel like I could take the best from Daniel Negreanu, and give it right back to him with 2 blanks in my hand.

I can disconnect from anything, when I want. Whether it's the heartbreak that another causes, or the loss of a hand when the stakes are high, I can push it to the back of my mind and isolate it. It becomes my trump card. My opponent thinks that I'm on tilt. He expects a radical play. But I don't.

It's a blessing, and a curse. On one hand, my pain doesn't last longer than a brief moment. But it makes me emotionally inconsistent. Unstable. Unreliable.

But it's this unique ability that provides a basis for my martyr-complex. I think, "Pile it on me. Let it loose. I can handle it. If I can take your pain and help you the smallest bit, go for it."

And I guess it makes me less human. Emotions guide us, give us something to search for, and give us something to avoid. Just like when you touch a hot piece of metal and you jerk your hand away, emotions let you know who to get away from. And it's your emotions that keep you attracted to someone. They keep you coming back for more.

I'm rambling. There's no message here.