Another Round of Frustration

Everyone says I'm quiet. If only they could have heard me tonight...

I talk softly. I want to be loud enough so I'm understood, but not so loud that I'm overpowering the listener. I want to make sure that people know who is talking. I don't want people to wonder who is whispering. I try to find the balance in everything I do.

One of the things I learned in marching band is that yelling loud and yelling with projection are two different things. If you want that short, sudden burst of sound, aim for being loud. If you want someone to hear you clearly a mile away, you have to project your voice. That means you push from your stomach, up through your throat, and out of your mouth.

Sometimes I think I'm going to make the TV break when I "project" my voice at it.

I watched the Mavs lose a critical Game 4 tonight. I could see every mistake in their gameplan, and I knew what to do in order to fix it. But I'm in Austin. The best I can do is yell things like, "Come on!" I punched the couch many times, slammed my fists on the ground, and fought with air.

I'm not really a superstitious person. But I do think that keeping things the same leads to the same result most of the time. So I've tried to figure out what is different now. What am I doing now that I wasn't doing last year, when they got to the Finals?

I played basketball for the first time in a year last weekend. 10 days ago.

I said that I was semi-retired from basketball. At that time, I didn't want to play because the last time was filled with things that I don't really want to talk about. Needless to say, there was a lack of good, clean fun in the last basketball game. I'll leave it at that. But, 10 days ago my parents came down and decided that we should all go to the park. I just put on my jeans and a shirt, because I really didn't want to go. It was a family thing that involved being outside. That's not my kind of thing.

Either way, my bro and my dad played ball for a while. Afterwards, they went on a walk with my nephew. I decided to grab the ball and shoot around, just to see if I still have "it." After 10 minutes or so, this guy came up and wanted to shoot around too. I'm a nice guy, so I agreed. He mentioned that when he usually comes to the park, there's a game going on and he jumps in. I mentioned that my bro and my dad would probably like to get a game going, but I would sit out if that would happen. A bit later, they showed up and I suggested the idea. Remember, I'm in jeans and a shirt with nice, non-basketball shoes.

They talked me into it, and we played 21. I torched them at the start, but then I got tired. I think my bro won that game. Then they decided that there was enough daylight left for one more game. I caught my second wind, and decided to keep playing. I won that game.

If I remember correctly, Miles Davis took a long time off from playing trumpet so he could reset his lips. When he came back, he was better than ever because his new lip placement gave him a better sound and range. I work in the same way. Any talent that I have gets better when I don't do it for a while. One year away from basketball reset my form when I'm doing layups. It reset my form when I'm shooting from long-range. And I was better for it. They were surprised at the new moves I had, and even thought that I had been secretly going to campus to play ball for the past year. (That's not the case though. I shot around once, but nothing more than that.)

So, I now believe that the reason the Mavs suck now is because I started playing basketball again. It's silly, I know. But that's the only thing different from last year.

And the reason I can't sleep is because I'm so frustrated with the Mavs. I'll lay in bed and toss and turn. Ideas will go through my head, my brain will process each detail, and I'll never stop thinking long enough to fall asleep. It sucks.

Just Not Enough

Today just sucked.

I couldn't really sleep last night, so this morning was nothing but pain. Well, it wasn't that bad. I felt fine on the bus ride and afterwards. But that's probably because I always have music on, and that distracts me better than anything.

Class was ok, but I'm starting to dread finals week and what-not. I really want to do well, and I just want everything to be over with. I'm tired of school. I made bad decisions, and I think it's time I do what I want. Even if it's only for a month, or even a week, I need to do the things I think are worthy of exploring.

I got home around 5PM and laid on the couch for a bit. My nephew was doing something or other, so I reached to grab him. I must have twisted my body awkwardly, because the next thing I know, my neck feels like it got hit by a hammer. I took some Tylenol and just waited for the effects. Nothing.

At 6PM, I headed over to the main office to get ready for my poker tournament. I had to set everything up since I know what goes where, who gets how many chips, and so on. Wasn't a problem though. 18 people showed up. Eh, it might have been 17. Well, I was at a table with 2nd place from the last tournament, and 2nd and 4th place from the tournament before that one. Some new guy joined our table, and I think he was sandbagging. He needed the rules to be explained to him, and he made comments after each time he won, and it was just annoying. The other guys at my table were all just turning their heads and trying to keep cool. Well, I said out loud, "I guess it's game time." The guy probably had 3000 chips to my 1500. In 2 hands, he was down to 2000, and I was up to 2500. The 3rd hand was just amazing.

I had A-6. On the flop was something like 6-3-6. I raised to 300, he re-raised to 600, and I said, "Well, I'm pushing you all-in then." He called, and he had K-6. A J on the turn, followed by an A on the river gave me the full house and his chips.

At this point, there were only 2 people at my table, so we split to the other tables. I then proceeded to take down 3 guys at the new table, and we formed the final table. Only 5 people made it, and that's usually how it goes. (By whipping these people, I had nearly 15000 chips. For reference, there were 28900 chips in play total.)

In hindsight, this is where I made my most important mistake. I had Q-J. I called to see the flop, which was A-Q-10. The guy next to me bet 1000, I pushed all-in. He called, and he had an A. I needed a Q, K, J, or 9-8 running to win. A face card would have put me in the best position. But his A held up, and I lost plenty. I held my ground until it was just him and me.

Much like last time, we agreed that we just go all-in each time, and whomever won twice in a row would be the winner. He eventually won. No prize for 2nd place though.

Overall, I know I was the best player there. For the first 3 hours, I was unstoppable. I've never had a run like that. But, when it comes down to flipping a coin, I just didn't win. Whatever. Everyone there recognized me when I first walked in, and halfway through, everyone knew I was serious. (In fact, 2 of the guys that went out at my first table stuck around to watch. One of them was patting me on the back and the other was helping me get over a bad hand.)

Am I ready to play for real? I doubt it. There are still things I can learn, and playing with nothing on the line isn't the same. I'm pretty good when I play online, but I'm so much better when I can see my opponent. I really think that if I were to get a sponser, I think I would at least cash out in a major tournament. I don't care if I have to wear some polo with a brand on it. I just want a chance.

I just have to keep getting better. I'm young, and I have potential.

Like I Said...

I don't celebrate birthdays. But I will acknowledge it the day after. (Don't ask me for my reasoning behind "one day later." It just makes me feel right.)

Jae's birthday was yesterday. Well, at least in the central time zone. It's still the 15th on the west coast. But, I live in Austin, so that's what I'm running with. Either way, it's never a bad day to mention how glad I am to have met her.

Almost all of my friends are older than me. I might be 22, but my age does not define me. While other people my age are going to frat parties, drinking for fun, and finding a new relationship every week, I prefer to go to a nice restaurant, learn a new skill, and enjoy being single. All of my experiences with people near my age have been disappointing. With the exceptions of Brandon, C.T., Sam, and a few of my fellow band members, I was completely let down with the immaturity of some people. I am not saying that my group would have fun drinking a bottle of fine wine and playing Trivial Pursuit. Far from it. I know that one of my friends has a fascination with showing his backside to people. But we could have an intelligent conversation without any other outside influences. All of us have ambition to be respectable people in society.

Brandon, C.T., and Sam are all older than me, but not by much. Still, we are far more mature than our ages. Other friends of mine, such as Erik and Pat, are 5 to 9 years older than me. I just prefer to hang out with older people.

Jae isn't old or anything. As far as maturiy goes, she is at the level that I prefer most in a friend. We have shared intelligent conversations, but I didn't feel like I needed to write perfectly. Maybe we don't talk everyday, but the connection is still there. So many similarities, but so far away. You know how some people say they are "on the same wavelength?" That's how I describe it.

A while back, I had a contest to see who knew me the best. Jae won, and I made her a video of "Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart" from Guitar Hero 2. She also gave me the option of doing "No One Knows." So, to complete both of her requests, here is "No One Knows."

Born Around...

As mentioned a dozen times, I don't celebrate birthdays. I've never had a birthday party, and I've never been to a birthday party.

Yesterday was my brother's birthday. He turned 31. I didn't say a word, even though my dad wanted me to call him an 'old man' or something.

Didn't do anything special. We played Guitar Hero 2 and he took lead guitar. I really don't mind playing rhythm or bass. By the which, you can find all of my current videos on Youtube. Some are dedications, and some are just for fun.

Trying To Win

Just going through another weekend.

I played in another poker tournament. 4,000 people, and I sucked pretty bad in the first couple of hands. I went from 3,000 chips to 350 in 10 hands. I assumed that it just wasn't my day, so I went all-in blindly. I lucked out, had A-J, and someone called. I doubled up to around 700. I still figured that this wouldn't be enough for me last long enough, so I went all-in again. This time, I had A-K, and 3 people called. My hand held and I went up to nearly 3,000. That's definitely something to work with, so I played my normal game again.

I made it past the 2nd hour, and I was up to 30,000 chips. At the time, 75,000 was the chip average. I was doing well, but not well enough. I think I went all-in with K-Q. 2 people called, and they had me beat. 1 person had A-K, and another had A-Q. The only way I could win the pot is if I got a straight with A-J-10. Very unlikely.

I finished 79th. That's not terrible. The buy in was 30, and I won 190. Still play money though. I will never gamble with real money online. While poker is a game of cards, chance, and skill, it takes a greater understanding of the game to play in a real setting. I am much better at reading an opponent when I can see their face and their hands. Maybe they have a twitch when they bluff. I can see that if they're sitting right in front of me. If you're playing online, you can't even tell if the punk kid across the ocean is smiling.

Still, after May 19th, I want to go play in a real tournament. Next Tuesday, I have another tournament here at the apartment complex. If I have a strong showing, I'll be determined to find a good location. If I suck, I'll keep practicing and wait for my next opportunity.

Ideally, I want to find a small tournament where 1st prize is a seat at the WSOP Main Event. I'll gladly wear a polo with a company's logo if it means I get a free seat in that tournament.

Very, Very Interesting

Sooooo...

I've been doing some thinking. Hayden Panettiere, the girl from Heroes, has something going on. I know Kevin Pereira (from AOTS) jokes about her being legal soon. I decided to check on 'teh' IMDB to see exactly when. (Here in Texas, 17 is legal, but I'm not like that. 18 is fine.)

The day after I turn 23, she becomes legal. Not a bad deal, even if it is a 5 year difference.

But what started this whole thing is this website I go to. It's What Would Tyler Durden Do? It is absolutely hilarious, and every now and then I get to laugh at Teri Hatcher. I just got home from school, and I did my daily routine. (That consists of MySpace, Facebook, email, WWTDD, Digg, ESPN, and YouTube.) Today, the first picture up there is this:















Back in January, I saw a different picture:




















A famous, blonde, italian girl is awesome. But a famous, blonde, italian girl who loves to lick is as perfect as possible.

Where I'm At...

Just a few things to mention.

For two days, we had highs below 50 degrees. It was the best thing for me. There was some heavy rain on Saturday, but it was just windy and wet on Sunday. We actually had some sleet also. It's days like that which make me wish I lived up north. Every spring, I think about the upcoming summer and how I'm going to try to survive it this time. And each spring, I wish I could just move away.

The way things look, my parents will probably be moving here to Austin within the next few months. They are going to help take care of the grandkids and what-not. After much thinking, I've decided on the following:

I am going to look for a job here in Austin.
After one year, I'm going to re-evaluate my situation.
If I'm not happy, I'm moving. Probably out of state.

On to the next topic.

Brandon just had his birthday nearly 2 weeks ago. There are 2 more birthdays coming up this weekend. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Last year, I talked about how I met Brandon, and some of the crazy things we did. All I did this year was give a shout.

But there's a reason he's #1 on 'teh' MySpace. He's ahead of at least 3 people who have known me since middle school. And it's simple really. If I have a problem, there's usually only one person I can call up and know that everything I say will be kept between us. There are things that Brandon knows but no one in my immediate family knows. I talk to Brandon at least once a week, and he never does anything to piss me off. If I got married tomorrow, he'd be the first person I would ask to be my best man. I know he would do a great job organizing all of the things that go on, and I could trust him with the ring.

And the only way I'm coming out of basketball retirement is if Brandon comes to Austin. I haven't played basketball in nearly a year.

Either way, those are the facts. And speaking of 'teh' MySpace, it's getting very boring. Some people are going to be moving up to top 4. And I'm probably going to change it from Top 12 to Top 8. Honestly, I'm 4 steps away from just shutting it down.

Alright, time for bed.

Good? Bad?

I have to give this week a mixed review.

I got all of my surveys back for my research project. Now I have to go through each and score them, transfer them to a spreadsheet, and get some solid information for the beginning of my paper. It shouldn't be that hard, and I'll probably get started in a little bit. Some of the results are interesting.

I have some metal shelves in my room. I accidentally bumped into them this afternoon. About 2 hours later, I started to feel the bruise. Right now, it's 7 hours later. I cannot believe a bruise could hurt this much. It's right below my right hip, and it's deep. It feels like I got hit by a hammer. I can just slide my hand across the area and tense up. Guess it's time for some ice.

I just took my second operating systems exam. Very frustrating.

But some things this week weren't so bad. I finally got my monthly haircut. At the barber shop, they were watching a DVD of '300.' I didn't ask how, since I pretty much knew the answer. And I'm not saying where, because I don't want any trouble for them. It was awesome though. This is the same barber shop that has Playboy for reading. Real nice place.

I finally found a new group that I'm really interested in. Silversun Pickups. Real good music. I've listened to the entire CD, and everything is 3 stars or higher. Very solid material.

I'm sure there's more. But for right now, I'm just going to put on my headphones and lay around.

Oh, and a quick shout to Brandon. His birthday was last week.

If Only...

If you move to Austin...

...I will show you around town. I know where the perfect views of a sunset are. I know the best places to have a picnic.

...I will invite you over just to hang out. I'll have a nice place with movies, games, music, anything you want.

...I will take you shopping. I'll provide my opinion if you ask for it. And when you're not looking, I'll buy you the outfit you liked the most.

...I will be motivated to be the best person I can possibly be. I will make sure I'm the best example for everyone to follow.

...I will TIVO your favorite shows if you can't watch them, and I will watch them with you.

...I will cook you dinner before every Dallas Mavericks game. If they play in the afternoon, then it will be lunch.

...I will buy two plane tickets and fly us to Dallas for a Cowboys game.

And when you least expect it...

...I will give you a hug that lasts longer than usual.

...I will grab your hand.

...I will buy you tulips. (Your favorite.)

...I will tell you all of my secrets.

...I will sing you songs.

...I will prove myself to you.

But until then, I just have to keep going forward. It's not a certainty, and it might not be likely. But the mere chance of it being real gives me enough reason to have hope. I can be content with hope.