Just Saying...

For some reason, I feel compelled to seek forgiveness.

I just went through the phone numbers I have on my cell phone. I treat numbers in a very different manner than most everyone else. If your number is on my phone, it means that if I am able, I will always answer your call. If your number is not in my cell phone, I will never answer your call. Your next best bet is to leave a voicemail that I may listen to in a month, or to send a text message.

I just went through the numbers. I deleted quite a few. All people I have no intention of speaking to again. I know that I will never try to contact those people again.

There were a few names that brought back memories. I must have forgotten those over the past few years. Some were women that I just stopped talking to. And they must have let go as well.

But what is weighing me down right now are just a few words. I feel terrible right now for all the girls that said to me, "I love you" and didn't hear it back. I can only imagine the type of heartbreak that causes. I can only imagine. I've never said "I love you" and didn't hear it back. But that's probably because I say those words sparingly.

As far as I can remember, there was only one time where I initiated the mention of love. It was the ASL sign for love, and it was for a girl I knew long ago. I didn't want to say it because I had never said it before.

Needless to say, it didn't work out. The love might have been mutual, but the timing was terrible. I'm fine with that.

But I want to apologize for all the times I didn't say "I love you" back. I was honest by not saying it, and I know that caused some emotional pain. I want to apologize to all the women that I've detached myself from. I want to apologize for any future calls you make that I don't answer. I have to keep moving forward.

I'm the type of person that disappears for years at a time. You may not hear from me, and you may forget. And if you forget, then it is all lost. It is almost a certainty that we will never cross paths again. I'm sorry that I came into your life only to leave abruptly without saying goodbye.

And I'm sorry if you were attached to me.