Sorting It Out

Just another reason why I'm different.

I'm counting down the days to the graduation ceremony. But I don't get happier with each day passing. I just want to get it over with. Seems a bit contradictory, I know.

I'm ready to be out of there. I want out. But I don't want to go through the formalities. I just want to wake up next Saturday with nothing on my schedule. I don't want to walk anywhere, and I don't want to wake up early. It's one day, but it's one day where the spotlight is on me.

Well, maybe not the entire day. It might just be the first few hours of that day. With family in town, everyone should focus on the kids after long enough. After two hours of ceremony, the plan is to head to the apartment's media room and celebrate. There's some really nice AV equipment in there. You know, a projector, surround sound, and the like. We'll watch a movie, listen to some music, etc. After an hour or two, the family will focus on each other. So I'll be able to sneak away and go sleep.

My parents have been bugging me about what I'm going to do. They're moving down here to Austin so they can be closer to the grandchildren. My dad will work and my mom will be the full-time babysitter. My sis-in-law will keep her job, and my bro might go back to grad school.

The older I get, the less attached I become. The past 5 years away from home have been filled with many revelations about myself. I can go days without speaking to anyone, and I'm overwhelmed when there are too many people, or too much sound. I'm destined for a quiet life where I do exactly what I want and nothing else.

The plan is still to stick out the current lease on the apartment, use that time to gain financial stability, and then find a nice place to live. It might be here in Austin. It could be in Dallas. It could be somewhere out of state.

It's a bit depressing to know that there is a strong possibility that I only have one year left in Austin where I am close to my immediate family. But I also understand that I'm not that 5-year old kid on his first day of school. I'm not that 13-year old kid who is about to start high school.

I looked up to my bro when I was younger. He has always been near. I played French Horn, just like him. I was the drum major my senior year, just like him. But I'm becoming more like my sister. More mature than her age, and distant. I barely have any memories of her. But before I started school, everyone said that we were alike. When I turned 8, she lived 200 miles away. She got married when I was 10. She moved thousands of miles away when I was 12. Since then, I've seen her 5, maybe 6 times, in 10 years.

I think my parents know it too. My dad asked me months ago if I was going to leave, just like my sister did. My mom seems hesitant to ask about what my plans are. And every time they hug me, it feels like they don't want to let go, because I might disappear.

All I can think is, "Wait. I can stay in Austin. I don't have to leave."

But I also think that it's impossible for me to be great if I stay. I don't think I'll accomplish anything if I always have that safety net. Even if I get my own place on the other side of town, nothing good can come out of it. If I go out with them every time, I'll never have independence. If I never go out with them, they will make me feel guilty by saying that I've abandoned them. If I visit once a week, they will expect more, simply because I won't be that far away.

It's not even happening, but it already frustrates me. It wears me out.