With What?

Nothing going on my life. If you asked me about my day, I'd just say, "meh." It would be the lamest answer, ever.

Yet, my best friend, and my dad, are going through extremely rough times. Love, and death. Physical and emotional pain. In the most basic and general sense, loss.

If there's anything I fear, it's loss. Trust me, there are other fears that concern me, but loss might be number one. Whether it's losing a loved one, or just losing a game of poker, it hurts. When I get into something, or someone, I tend to put everything I have into it. If it's there, I immerse myself fully and expect nothing but the positive. I feel it, and I know it.

So when that 0.1% catches me off guard, it hurts. Even the best don't recover instantly.

But there's a reason I generally finish in the top 10% of any poker tournament. There's a reason why I feel like I could take the best from Daniel Negreanu, and give it right back to him with 2 blanks in my hand.

I can disconnect from anything, when I want. Whether it's the heartbreak that another causes, or the loss of a hand when the stakes are high, I can push it to the back of my mind and isolate it. It becomes my trump card. My opponent thinks that I'm on tilt. He expects a radical play. But I don't.

It's a blessing, and a curse. On one hand, my pain doesn't last longer than a brief moment. But it makes me emotionally inconsistent. Unstable. Unreliable.

But it's this unique ability that provides a basis for my martyr-complex. I think, "Pile it on me. Let it loose. I can handle it. If I can take your pain and help you the smallest bit, go for it."

And I guess it makes me less human. Emotions guide us, give us something to search for, and give us something to avoid. Just like when you touch a hot piece of metal and you jerk your hand away, emotions let you know who to get away from. And it's your emotions that keep you attracted to someone. They keep you coming back for more.

I'm rambling. There's no message here.